A memory.

I guess, when I was younger, I never really saw myself as fat, or over weight, I was happy, I thought I had it all, looks, personality, I guess as most teenagers do! Looking back now on old memories, I used to live with my Nan, she took as best of care of me as she possibly could, every year in Australia we have a thing called the 40 hour famine.  My Nan used to encourage me to do it every year, I thought she was just being supportive, I remember sometimes I'd go to the fridge and she would just shake her head, I didn't think I ate that often, or that much, I was always busy so I never really had time, I had a job, school and horses to look after.

School started bringing me down, stress from exams made me not hungry, I'd go days without eating, not meaning to, I just couldn't think of anything else I was so stressed and busy, I came home from school one day and noticed a padlock placed on the fridge, I had no idea what was going on, until my Nan came in, looked me over and said that I was doing well and that I can't stop now. That was the first time my eyes were opened to how fat I actually was, being busy kept me from noticing my massive thighs, my flapper arms and what resembled as a beer belly.

Back then I didn't know to keep a diary, I didn't know what foods to eat, so I started drinking Sugar free V, Energy drink, I would drink about 12 a day and one piece of toast.

My binges would be terrible, I'd eat ridiculous things, like three eggs on toast with butter, cake, chocolate, anything I could get my hands on.

I didn't know I had to work out a lot, I just starved and when I ate, I purged, if purging wasn't good enough, I swallowed a box of laxatives. I got so caught up in myself that I would cook and cook, just to smell the food, when I noticed friends at school not having lunch, I started to talk to them about it, it was the second biggest mistake I had made, they all looked at me as if I was something out of a horror show, I knew I was fat but i never thought I was that fat, I had teachers starting to call home, worried, maybe, who knows I only ever heard my Nan justifying my actions, the quote I remember the most from her.

"She's not sick, she's just perfecting herself."

 This continued for awhile, until I eventually moved away from home, all the way over to Perth actually, I loved it over there, the sun, beaches, the parties and the boys! I started getting more comfortable with myself, I started eating more, drinking more, doing drugs, I gained a lot of weight back, about 30 something kilos? I don't know how much exactly, I met a friend and ended up moving back to Melbourne, meeting this amazing guy and have a baby, talk about gaining weight! I was so disgusted, I'm horrified to look in the mirror now, don't get me wrong I have an amazing son, he keeps me smiling, but did you know that an over-weight parent is more likely to let their child be over weight in their teen/childhood. I can't do that to him, I can't make him fat, I'm not going to let him be perfection though, that's something that will be his choice, I do feed him a lot, a lot of good stuff though, he loves it when I make home made juice for him.

anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I want to lose this baby weight, it feels like it's taking forever to get off, I have the same amount of stretch marks as a road map, but I'll get there.

"A girl never loses the desire to be thin and beautiful"

And it's true, we are trained that way, we are brought up to look at ourselves over and over, to lose weight, to gain weight, to look younger, to look thinner.