I can't do this.

I hate myself. I fucking hate myself.

My throat is killing me. I know. I KNOW there is still something in there. I can feel it. It all looks so fucking big. My throat pain isn't bad enough. Fearing that there is still something left, I go, like the idiot I am, and take a whole box of laxies. just to put myself in more pain. I don't fucking care anymore. I want it OUT. I need it out.

I want to be thin. I have to be thin. I need to be thin. I can not live in this body any longer. I am so fucking disgusting.

I am paranoid about the scales. Somedays they are all that's on my mind. I try to block it out. I really do.

Fuck me. I'm doing squats while I try and write this. Hoping I make sense.

I know in some way I chose this, but I can't stop. I don't want to, I just want to have control over something. Perfection does exist. I need to reach my UGW. Then I know in my heart that won't be good enough, but I don't care. It's not about how long it takes me, it's about me being beautiful, thin, I don't give a fuck if I don't have my vitimins. I don't care. I will not be called fat. Ever. I don't careif my feet bleed because I ran too far in new shoes. I don't care if my body is shaking because I worked out too hard. I want that zero.

That taughting fucking zero.