She dreams of happiness.

One day, my throat won't hurt. One day, I won't cry. One day I'll feel comfortable in my own skin.

Ugh.

I don't know why I'm pretending. Oh, I'm pro ana and pro mia! I could totally start eating again if I want to. I so want to. NOT

I actually couldn't say honestly if I wanted to stop or keep going. My teeth ache, my hair is falling out, my skin is dry. I don't understand how people could think I want that. I don't want that burning feeling in my throat and sometimes my nose. I don't want to shake and crumble after a run, I want smooth, soft, glowing skin. I want long flowing fair, instead of it feeling like it should be attached to a horse. I'm sick of blood shot eyes. I just want to be beautiful. I want my hair to shine, my teeth to be perfect.

I know what you're thinking, "just stop and you'll have all that back" PFFT. You don't know what your talking about. I don't know a life beyond this. I can't remember a happy life.

I've decided that I'm starting this blog over.

I'm not going to pretend I'm something purely just to fit in and have a friend that knows the pain, that voice. This is not a fad or a faze for me. This is my life.

I was so lonely that I thought I'd become someone that I'm not.

I have an ED. I can't make it go away, and I can't choose what days I fast. I can't stop my mind from playing tricks on me. I have to stop pretending I can. I was just so desperate to fit in.

I guess I liked the idea of becoming a "Wanarexic and a Fauxlimic" for show, so I could make a friend I didn't have to hide from. This isn't a lifestyle for me. My nails scratching the back of my throat because I'm in a rush to get this over with quickly, isn't something I want to  brag about. Nor encourage.

So I'm sorry for lying. I'm sorry for pretending or implying that I'm doing this because I can and because I want to lose weight.

I don't want to make it seem like recovery is not an option for men and women with a true ED. I can only imagine how hard it must be to stop, how long the process is. To find happiness with yourself again is something I could never put down.

An old friend once told me to do whatever it takes to make you happy. If people with an ED have found happiness again. You have done something I think I'll never achieve.

I've been looking up a lot of recovery sites, I often think of seeking help. I'm scared I'll be locked in a room and forced to eat.

I just don't know what to do.

All I know is that I want to be purely happy.

I want to wake up in the morning and feel happy to be alive, I don't want to fear my mirror. I want to be able to touch my body and be comfortable.

I can't remember the last time I was comfortable.