I am disgusted.

well, it's been a while since I've last posted, I'm sorry, I haven't been doing so well, I'm a little better now, I guess. Today is a new day and all that shit.

WELL, back to business, I was appauled to know that there is ANOREXIA PORN! Are you fucking kidding me?! you sick fucking pricks, I want this site banned ladies.

How dare they abuse us abused and tourtured girls anymore then they already are!

I want to post the link to you all, but I warn you. YOU WILL NOT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE
Open me at your own risk. and Open this link at your own risk.

I am so disgusted, I don't even know what to say, I am so rage infilled. I want to throw my lap top.

How could someone do this?! what sick fucks actually like to watch this!!


In other news, I've been okay, there is nothing out of the usual, I stupidly tried Ipecac, I got hooked on it, it was pathetic. Stopped it now, haven't touched it in a week, hasnt stopped me purging though, ffs, I need to visit the dentist, my back teeth are killing me. There's goes more money, its funny, I see all these pro ana sites, saying You'll save money from not buying food! I think I spend more money trying to keep myself from falling apart, LITERALLY.

Ugh, I am too pissed off about this porn thing, to be honest.

I need to find away to  have those sites taken down.

Skin care - Hair care, etc.

HAIR CARE.

So, recently, after having to cut off a lot of my hair, I've learnt the hard way that hair is so fragile, I knew it was feeling a lot like horse hair but I didn't think it would come out in clumps. It's horrible. It's getting better now though. Finally. Once less thing to cry about. So here it is.

Ive found this product is perfect for my hair, it's given it life again. http://www.lorealparis.com.au/haircare/women/elvive-total-repair-5.aspx

It's the only product I've found that actually does what it is supposed to. It's probably packed with Silcone but I dont care, it makes my hair look healthy, and to touch it. Let's just say I don't feel like I have to neigh anymore! They also have a a melt in repair mask for extra softness. Also my hair found in my brush every morning is decreasing. Which is one less thing to worry about.

SKIN CARE, SHOWER.

IN SHOWER- Dove triple moister body wash, I love it I feel like a baby as soon as I get out of the shower. It's got more moisteriser rather than soap so I can see why it works so well, you can also get it in bars if body wash isn't your thing. http://www.productreview.com.au/p/dove-triple-moisturising-body-wash.html

SKIN CARE.

After shower time, I always use baby oil. It's cheap and you may feel a bit oily but when you dry you will have the softest skin, skin like a baby, heh. It works a treat and that smooth feeling will last all day. I first started using it for my son, I'd always get it all over my hands and once they were dry, I'd have the softest hands, I only use it on my body because it will clog pores on your face, and I don't do pimples so well. http://www.johnsonsbaby.com/johnsons-baby-oil it also comes in different smells. I like the "Goodnight Oil" because it smells amazing.

SMOKING.

If you're a smoker, you might get a yellow stain on your fingers and on your teeth, what works for me is while I'm brushing my teeth, (twice a day) I put some tooth paste on the yellow stains on my fingers, every day, it won't go away immediatly but it will go away, it also gets the smell off them, I use http://www.colgate.com.au/app/Colgate/AU/OC/Products/Whitening/Name.cvsp

FACIAL CARE.

I sweat a lot, working out etc. So I always get black heads, I use http://www.clearasil.com.au/wipes-pads.php they are great for unclogging pores and they also make a very light moisteriser for afterwards.

EYES.

There are millions of porducts for eye care, the ones that work for me are an eye drop called "Clear eyes" I picked the product up off a friend who smokes weed daily, they stop his eyes from being bloodshot, so they work in other cases, so I've found, great if you're out in public and you don't want friends or family to notice. As for the bags under my eyes, I just use concealer.

If I can't be healthy, I try and look healthy, it gives me a small moment in time where I think I am.

Hope these helped you all in some way.

xx

She dreams of happiness.

One day, my throat won't hurt. One day, I won't cry. One day I'll feel comfortable in my own skin.

Ugh.

I don't know why I'm pretending. Oh, I'm pro ana and pro mia! I could totally start eating again if I want to. I so want to. NOT

I actually couldn't say honestly if I wanted to stop or keep going. My teeth ache, my hair is falling out, my skin is dry. I don't understand how people could think I want that. I don't want that burning feeling in my throat and sometimes my nose. I don't want to shake and crumble after a run, I want smooth, soft, glowing skin. I want long flowing fair, instead of it feeling like it should be attached to a horse. I'm sick of blood shot eyes. I just want to be beautiful. I want my hair to shine, my teeth to be perfect.

I know what you're thinking, "just stop and you'll have all that back" PFFT. You don't know what your talking about. I don't know a life beyond this. I can't remember a happy life.

I've decided that I'm starting this blog over.

I'm not going to pretend I'm something purely just to fit in and have a friend that knows the pain, that voice. This is not a fad or a faze for me. This is my life.

I was so lonely that I thought I'd become someone that I'm not.

I have an ED. I can't make it go away, and I can't choose what days I fast. I can't stop my mind from playing tricks on me. I have to stop pretending I can. I was just so desperate to fit in.

I guess I liked the idea of becoming a "Wanarexic and a Fauxlimic" for show, so I could make a friend I didn't have to hide from. This isn't a lifestyle for me. My nails scratching the back of my throat because I'm in a rush to get this over with quickly, isn't something I want to  brag about. Nor encourage.

So I'm sorry for lying. I'm sorry for pretending or implying that I'm doing this because I can and because I want to lose weight.

I don't want to make it seem like recovery is not an option for men and women with a true ED. I can only imagine how hard it must be to stop, how long the process is. To find happiness with yourself again is something I could never put down.

An old friend once told me to do whatever it takes to make you happy. If people with an ED have found happiness again. You have done something I think I'll never achieve.

I've been looking up a lot of recovery sites, I often think of seeking help. I'm scared I'll be locked in a room and forced to eat.

I just don't know what to do.

All I know is that I want to be purely happy.

I want to wake up in the morning and feel happy to be alive, I don't want to fear my mirror. I want to be able to touch my body and be comfortable.

I can't remember the last time I was comfortable.

I can't do this.

I hate myself. I fucking hate myself.

My throat is killing me. I know. I KNOW there is still something in there. I can feel it. It all looks so fucking big. My throat pain isn't bad enough. Fearing that there is still something left, I go, like the idiot I am, and take a whole box of laxies. just to put myself in more pain. I don't fucking care anymore. I want it OUT. I need it out.

I want to be thin. I have to be thin. I need to be thin. I can not live in this body any longer. I am so fucking disgusting.

I am paranoid about the scales. Somedays they are all that's on my mind. I try to block it out. I really do.

Fuck me. I'm doing squats while I try and write this. Hoping I make sense.

I know in some way I chose this, but I can't stop. I don't want to, I just want to have control over something. Perfection does exist. I need to reach my UGW. Then I know in my heart that won't be good enough, but I don't care. It's not about how long it takes me, it's about me being beautiful, thin, I don't give a fuck if I don't have my vitimins. I don't care. I will not be called fat. Ever. I don't careif my feet bleed because I ran too far in new shoes. I don't care if my body is shaking because I worked out too hard. I want that zero.

That taughting fucking zero.

A memory.

I guess, when I was younger, I never really saw myself as fat, or over weight, I was happy, I thought I had it all, looks, personality, I guess as most teenagers do! Looking back now on old memories, I used to live with my Nan, she took as best of care of me as she possibly could, every year in Australia we have a thing called the 40 hour famine.  My Nan used to encourage me to do it every year, I thought she was just being supportive, I remember sometimes I'd go to the fridge and she would just shake her head, I didn't think I ate that often, or that much, I was always busy so I never really had time, I had a job, school and horses to look after.

School started bringing me down, stress from exams made me not hungry, I'd go days without eating, not meaning to, I just couldn't think of anything else I was so stressed and busy, I came home from school one day and noticed a padlock placed on the fridge, I had no idea what was going on, until my Nan came in, looked me over and said that I was doing well and that I can't stop now. That was the first time my eyes were opened to how fat I actually was, being busy kept me from noticing my massive thighs, my flapper arms and what resembled as a beer belly.

Back then I didn't know to keep a diary, I didn't know what foods to eat, so I started drinking Sugar free V, Energy drink, I would drink about 12 a day and one piece of toast.

My binges would be terrible, I'd eat ridiculous things, like three eggs on toast with butter, cake, chocolate, anything I could get my hands on.

I didn't know I had to work out a lot, I just starved and when I ate, I purged, if purging wasn't good enough, I swallowed a box of laxatives. I got so caught up in myself that I would cook and cook, just to smell the food, when I noticed friends at school not having lunch, I started to talk to them about it, it was the second biggest mistake I had made, they all looked at me as if I was something out of a horror show, I knew I was fat but i never thought I was that fat, I had teachers starting to call home, worried, maybe, who knows I only ever heard my Nan justifying my actions, the quote I remember the most from her.

"She's not sick, she's just perfecting herself."

 This continued for awhile, until I eventually moved away from home, all the way over to Perth actually, I loved it over there, the sun, beaches, the parties and the boys! I started getting more comfortable with myself, I started eating more, drinking more, doing drugs, I gained a lot of weight back, about 30 something kilos? I don't know how much exactly, I met a friend and ended up moving back to Melbourne, meeting this amazing guy and have a baby, talk about gaining weight! I was so disgusted, I'm horrified to look in the mirror now, don't get me wrong I have an amazing son, he keeps me smiling, but did you know that an over-weight parent is more likely to let their child be over weight in their teen/childhood. I can't do that to him, I can't make him fat, I'm not going to let him be perfection though, that's something that will be his choice, I do feed him a lot, a lot of good stuff though, he loves it when I make home made juice for him.

anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I want to lose this baby weight, it feels like it's taking forever to get off, I have the same amount of stretch marks as a road map, but I'll get there.

"A girl never loses the desire to be thin and beautiful"

And it's true, we are trained that way, we are brought up to look at ourselves over and over, to lose weight, to gain weight, to look younger, to look thinner.